Oh, The Joys of Pregnancy

The funny thing about pregnancy is that no one tells you about all the little “inconveniences” that become part of your life. From one day to next, it is like everything begins to change. So I am here to tell you my truth in hopes of shedding some light on the whole pregnancy business.

A few weeks after reading the positive result on a home-pregnancy test, I realized that my body was slowly becoming alien to me. First, I was in the bathroom for about half of the day puking my guts out and routinely every night after 7 p.m. I would embrace the toilet bowel with dear life in agony for hours at a time. I have no idea why they call it morning sickness. I suggest they call it all-day sickness. It just seems more fitting.

As a university student, my classes were constantly interrupted by little trips to the restroom where I would hope no one would come in and witness one of the many joys and sounds of pregnancy. My best friends became a package of saltine crackers and a bottle of sparkling water, the only things I could count on to subside the uneasiness in my stomach.

Besides the nausea that pursued me for the first three months, I noticed that my favorite pair of jeans would no longer zip up, what’s up with that?? I could barely eat, yet my pants were no longer fitting me? I resorted to a more appropriate attire, and that is how fashion slowly descends into a lower raking than comfort. You always assume, “when I am pregnant I am not going to be like those other women, I am keeping my dignity and my sense of style,” you tell yourself. Well, soon enough you find out that you are no longer in control of that either.

Do you ever wonder why companies cannot come up with fashionable, pregnancy clothing? As if you already don’t feel strange enough in this expanding body, they design clothes that make you look and feel like you are a blimp. I suppose unless you are willing to pay a lot of money for clothing you will only wear for very a few moths, you are going to have to resort to other outlets, such as just buying plus sizes…

During the first few months, I also experienced one of many “pregnancy scares” we are blessed with. As I hurried in to class one early morning, I sensed an intense pain on my left side; a sort of cramping as if someone was stabbing me with an extremely sharp knife. My head began coming up with all sorts of possibilities from pregnancy in one of your fallopian tubes, to miscarriage, to God knows what…I called my mom in a panic, what the heck is going on here? As I sat down massaging my stomach, suddenly I heard myself burp as I had never burped before. I swear I was so shocked at my own ability to emanate such sound, a sound that until then I had only heard come from my grandmother or a teenage boy. The relief was instant and as I got up I looked around making sure no one else heard this horrific pregnancy side-effect.

I thought I was on the clear from this form of fright, until around a month later I started spotting. It was similar to the initial spotting right before you get your period, and I began my theories in the head once again; spontaneous miscarriage, something is wrong with the fetus, all my God, I called the doctor. “Not to worry, unless you are bleeding heavily, you should not be concerned; it may be the left over of your last menstrual period, and it is perfectly normal. If it does not subside or it is accompanied by sharp pain, then you should come in and get checked out,” she said. At the moment, I felt like an infant after a minor, insignificant scratch, crying wolf only to receive the loving reassurance of his mother that everything will be okay. Had I not been pregnant before? What is the matter with me? Had I forgotten everything I once thought I knew? Obviously, yes.

Ok. Every mother-to-be is naturally concerned, frightened, and overzealous; perhaps because of some protective instinct that starts to kick in even before your child has arrived. Or, can it just be considered paranoia, an offence many mothers are also guilty of? Who knows for certain anymore?

As the months passed, another interesting and irritating question presented itself: when do you start to look pregnant rather than someone who ate too many donuts and pigged out on the ice cream? You know, that really awkward stage, when you don’t yet look pregnant, but you no longer have any resemblance of a waist. Those months are tough. You get the looks, you experience the embarrassed stares, you know what they are thinking…Wow she is really letting herself go, huh? We should all just be given out t-shirts that say “No, I am not getting fat, I am just pregnant!” that way we kill two birds with one stone. We find comfy clothing and we give everyone else a clue to stop starring.

Later, your beautiful pregnant belly starts to finally show itself, accompanied by strange blotches on your skin, excessive facial hair, increased gas, swollen feet, ankles and hands, darkened nipples, and a very interesting line right down the middle of your stomach. Wow, what a sight it is to see a pregnant woman grow, with all her magical glow and extra hair popping out everywhere! But it gets better. If you are “fortunate” enough to be pregnant during the summer months, more joys are coming your way. First, what is with all that body heat? It is probably a warm-up for menopause, leaving you even more exhausted than you already are and constantly looking for a breeze. Can someone turn that fan directly towards me, please?

Not to mention that as your belly protrudes forward, you eventually start finding it really challenging, if not an impossible mission to shave down there; you just can’t get a proper view. So, here you are desperate to find some relief from the heat in the pool or the beach and you look like a wild animal that has never encountered a razor. How nice. Let’s all hope you are fortunate enough to have your own private pool, just don’t have any pool parties unless you are willing to suffer being waxed by a professional. But when you are pregnant, do you really want to inflict more pain upon yourself? There are always so many compromises in life…

As you enter your third and final trimester, you are invigorated. Feeling less tired, less moody (at least now you can control yourself without biting someone’s head off), and you begin, hopefully, to experience nesting which empowers you to finally prepare for the arrival of your little one. Strangers on the street stop to touch you, amazed at your hugeness, “wow, you are about to pop,” I heard one say, making you feel you are part of some circus freak show: “Come and touch the belly of the huge woman wearing really unstylish clothing with hairs growing out of her chin!” Can anyone please tell me what would happen if some random stranger just started patting your belly (supposed you are not pregnant)?? Either the world would be a much friendlier place, or we all would learn Karate.

Pregnant women often comment on the incredible joy of feeling the baby kick. At first you cannot wait for it to happen and when it finally does, you become tear-eyed with joy and eventually the kicks that bring you such happiness, also bring you a whole lot more. First of all, you worry; what else is new? Is the baby kicking enough? I haven’t felt it yet today, is something wrong? Let me call the doctor; or I might eat something sweet, walk around the block…Ohhh, okay, it kicked. Wow that one was right on my rib. Can you stop now, I want to sleep. Okay, you win; I will move…It never ends this mental noise, does it??

And then there is the inevitable question: how long is this going to last?? Ordinarily, nine months seem to fly by, but when you are pregnant, something strange happens with time, and you find yourself counting down the months, the weeks, the days. Will this episode of the Twilight Zone ever come to an end?? Well, eventually it does, and funny enough after you have your bundle of joy in your arms, you actually begin to miss the whole thing. Maybe not right away, but soon enough you reminisce and nostalgia kicks in about the whole experience, otherwise how would you explain our world population??

And after all is said and done, after all the unwelcome changes, frustrations, anxieties and all else, pregnancy is in itself such a miracle, that every woman must confess that the joys outweigh all the troubles we must endure, including labor pains, which I prefer not to talk about it now because I am trying to end on a positive note here. So, as I was saying, pregnancy is overall a blessing, something so far man cannot experience (I am sure they would not be lining up anyway, even if science somehow allowed them to do so), and it is an opportunity like no other to experience a bound with your child no one can fully describe. To know and feel that there is another human being living within you, who will come through you into the world, is a feeling worth more than any discomfort, any “inconvenience” you must endure.

Look at it this way; your old self will return, you will lose those extra pounds, pluck your chin, shave properly again, wear your favorite jeans and pair of shoes that were stacked away and in addition you will have your little one in your arms. Then other joys will come in, such as waking up all night, leaky boobs, smelly diapers, throw-up residue on your best dress, etc…So enjoy motherhood, starting with pregnancy because there is nothing in the world like it!

Thank God, I heard a dude say…