I was inspired to write this text by someone I hold very dear and who will forever impact my life. Thank-you.
I have been contemplative about death.
Not just the death we commonly discuss and fear. But death in its essence; what it represents in various aspects of our lives. I marvel at how fast death manifests itself and permeates everything. It creeps in silently and discreetly and storms through leaving nothing untouched, nothing as it once was. Its reach is universal and seen as a curse and enemy by the eyes of most who fear it tremendously for its power and omnipresence.
Death takes on so many forms, disguising itself and you are caught in its trap unable to escape its imminence.
It can come as death of memories that once were reality and all that made up an existence. Memories become nothing but traces of events, people, places and experiences that have come and gone; that have died somewhere along the path as they are replaced by momentary episodes of life.
We may also die to whom we thought we once were, to our ideas, our ideologies, our plans, hopes and dreams. In spirit, we die to a personality we came to inherit for a little while. As if our past, as if our history becomes distant and unattached. The places we once lived fade in the background of our new surroundings even though they still exist somehow, somewhere; but its image slowly fade, adapt, transform in the realm of our imprecise minds.
Even the strongest empires have crumbled. And the most beautiful works of art ruined by the forces of nature. The most unforgettable faces shrivel, and are only made more permanent when captured by photos, film, paint and stone. But even those fade, crumble and are destroyed. Until there is nothing left.
The history of mankind, religion and wars, contained in books that date to caveman markings on cave walls; all in an attempt to make the impermanent, more permanent. An attempt to secure a moment in time and make it last eternally, but all endeavors eventually fail, for nothing can outlast time as we know it, as we perceive it.
And death is a prevalent part of life. And no matter how we may hide, it discovers us. Like water inundating every crack, finding its way through the smallest opening. For death is found in everything that moves, that breaths, that changes; the death of a thought, the death of a vision, the death of an image we held tightly to as salvation. They all arise, stay, then leave us as suddenly as they arrived and all the certainties are now doubts, questions waiting again to be answered.
And great sadness can come with death. The death of a loved one, of an animal, or the death of a self. The death of a romance, the death of childhood, the death of an existence that was once yours. Death as a loss, death as an ending, death as a tragic event that leaves you empty. But in that same death, that same emptiness, there is suddenly room for rebirth, necessary for life to thrive. As one season dies to another, nature is allowed to blossom to its full potential as the animal carcass fertilizes the earth, providing a home for the plant that produces fruit which in turn nourishes the one who consumes of it.
“Life and death are not two opposed forces; they are simply two ways of looking at the same force, for the movement of change is as much as the builder as the destroyer. The human body lives because it is a complex of motions, of circulation, respiration, and digestion. To resist change, to try to cling to life, is therefore holding your breath; if you resist you kill yourself.” Allan Watts.
In other words, resisting the power of death is choosing to live in antagonism, resisting life itself. Perhaps a better goal is to allow death and its infinite forms to compose the poetic lyric of life, understanding that it is beautiful in a sense because of its sadness, and in a sense it offers something rare, eternal, and through the opening of death, the divine is revealed.
I am borrowing some words from a very dear friend who kindly sent these quotes on death:
Normally we do not like to think about death.We would rather think about life.Why reflect on death?When you start preparing for death you soon realizethat you must look into your life now... and come to face the truth of your self.Death is like a mirror in which the true meaning of life is reflected. ~ Sogyal Rinpoche ~ As a well spent day brings happy sleep,so life well used brings happy death. ~ Leonardo da Vinci ~ Some people are so afraid to diethat they never begin to live. ~ Henry Van Dyke~ The only thing that burns in hellis the part of you that won't let go of your life:your memories, your attachments.They burn them all away, but they're not punishing you,they're freeing your soul.If you're frightened of dying and you're holding on,you'll see devils tearing your life away.If you've made your peace,then the devils are really angels freeing you from the earth. ~ Meister Eckhart ~ The fear of death follows from the fear of life.A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~ Mark Twain ~
Later, I found this quote by Simone de Beauvoir:
“Life is occupied both in perpetuating itself and in surpassing itself; if all it does is maintain itself, then living is only not dying.”
And Osho adds:
“A man who is not creative is only not dying, that’s all. His life has no depth. His life is not yet life but just the surface; the book of life has not yet started. He is born, true, but he is not alive.”
In order words, as long as we remain afraid of death, we block all the beauty that life has to offer, we shut off the flow of creativity that comes through us in whatever form and without this creative force guiding our steps, we no longer live fully, we simply survive.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Oh, The Joys of Pregnancy
The funny thing about pregnancy is that no one tells you about all the little “inconveniences” that become part of your life. From one day to next, it is like everything begins to change. So I am here to tell you my truth in hopes of shedding some light on the whole pregnancy business.
A few weeks after reading the positive result on a home-pregnancy test, I realized that my body was slowly becoming alien to me. First, I was in the bathroom for about half of the day puking my guts out and routinely every night after 7 p.m. I would embrace the toilet bowel with dear life in agony for hours at a time. I have no idea why they call it morning sickness. I suggest they call it all-day sickness. It just seems more fitting.
As a university student, my classes were constantly interrupted by little trips to the restroom where I would hope no one would come in and witness one of the many joys and sounds of pregnancy. My best friends became a package of saltine crackers and a bottle of sparkling water, the only things I could count on to subside the uneasiness in my stomach.
Besides the nausea that pursued me for the first three months, I noticed that my favorite pair of jeans would no longer zip up, what’s up with that?? I could barely eat, yet my pants were no longer fitting me? I resorted to a more appropriate attire, and that is how fashion slowly descends into a lower raking than comfort. You always assume, “when I am pregnant I am not going to be like those other women, I am keeping my dignity and my sense of style,” you tell yourself. Well, soon enough you find out that you are no longer in control of that either.
Do you ever wonder why companies cannot come up with fashionable, pregnancy clothing? As if you already don’t feel strange enough in this expanding body, they design clothes that make you look and feel like you are a blimp. I suppose unless you are willing to pay a lot of money for clothing you will only wear for very a few moths, you are going to have to resort to other outlets, such as just buying plus sizes…
During the first few months, I also experienced one of many “pregnancy scares” we are blessed with. As I hurried in to class one early morning, I sensed an intense pain on my left side; a sort of cramping as if someone was stabbing me with an extremely sharp knife. My head began coming up with all sorts of possibilities from pregnancy in one of your fallopian tubes, to miscarriage, to God knows what…I called my mom in a panic, what the heck is going on here? As I sat down massaging my stomach, suddenly I heard myself burp as I had never burped before. I swear I was so shocked at my own ability to emanate such sound, a sound that until then I had only heard come from my grandmother or a teenage boy. The relief was instant and as I got up I looked around making sure no one else heard this horrific pregnancy side-effect.
I thought I was on the clear from this form of fright, until around a month later I started spotting. It was similar to the initial spotting right before you get your period, and I began my theories in the head once again; spontaneous miscarriage, something is wrong with the fetus, all my God, I called the doctor. “Not to worry, unless you are bleeding heavily, you should not be concerned; it may be the left over of your last menstrual period, and it is perfectly normal. If it does not subside or it is accompanied by sharp pain, then you should come in and get checked out,” she said. At the moment, I felt like an infant after a minor, insignificant scratch, crying wolf only to receive the loving reassurance of his mother that everything will be okay. Had I not been pregnant before? What is the matter with me? Had I forgotten everything I once thought I knew? Obviously, yes.
Ok. Every mother-to-be is naturally concerned, frightened, and overzealous; perhaps because of some protective instinct that starts to kick in even before your child has arrived. Or, can it just be considered paranoia, an offence many mothers are also guilty of? Who knows for certain anymore?
As the months passed, another interesting and irritating question presented itself: when do you start to look pregnant rather than someone who ate too many donuts and pigged out on the ice cream? You know, that really awkward stage, when you don’t yet look pregnant, but you no longer have any resemblance of a waist. Those months are tough. You get the looks, you experience the embarrassed stares, you know what they are thinking…Wow she is really letting herself go, huh? We should all just be given out t-shirts that say “No, I am not getting fat, I am just pregnant!” that way we kill two birds with one stone. We find comfy clothing and we give everyone else a clue to stop starring.
Later, your beautiful pregnant belly starts to finally show itself, accompanied by strange blotches on your skin, excessive facial hair, increased gas, swollen feet, ankles and hands, darkened nipples, and a very interesting line right down the middle of your stomach. Wow, what a sight it is to see a pregnant woman grow, with all her magical glow and extra hair popping out everywhere! But it gets better. If you are “fortunate” enough to be pregnant during the summer months, more joys are coming your way. First, what is with all that body heat? It is probably a warm-up for menopause, leaving you even more exhausted than you already are and constantly looking for a breeze. Can someone turn that fan directly towards me, please?
Not to mention that as your belly protrudes forward, you eventually start finding it really challenging, if not an impossible mission to shave down there; you just can’t get a proper view. So, here you are desperate to find some relief from the heat in the pool or the beach and you look like a wild animal that has never encountered a razor. How nice. Let’s all hope you are fortunate enough to have your own private pool, just don’t have any pool parties unless you are willing to suffer being waxed by a professional. But when you are pregnant, do you really want to inflict more pain upon yourself? There are always so many compromises in life…
As you enter your third and final trimester, you are invigorated. Feeling less tired, less moody (at least now you can control yourself without biting someone’s head off), and you begin, hopefully, to experience nesting which empowers you to finally prepare for the arrival of your little one. Strangers on the street stop to touch you, amazed at your hugeness, “wow, you are about to pop,” I heard one say, making you feel you are part of some circus freak show: “Come and touch the belly of the huge woman wearing really unstylish clothing with hairs growing out of her chin!” Can anyone please tell me what would happen if some random stranger just started patting your belly (supposed you are not pregnant)?? Either the world would be a much friendlier place, or we all would learn Karate.
Pregnant women often comment on the incredible joy of feeling the baby kick. At first you cannot wait for it to happen and when it finally does, you become tear-eyed with joy and eventually the kicks that bring you such happiness, also bring you a whole lot more. First of all, you worry; what else is new? Is the baby kicking enough? I haven’t felt it yet today, is something wrong? Let me call the doctor; or I might eat something sweet, walk around the block…Ohhh, okay, it kicked. Wow that one was right on my rib. Can you stop now, I want to sleep. Okay, you win; I will move…It never ends this mental noise, does it??
And then there is the inevitable question: how long is this going to last?? Ordinarily, nine months seem to fly by, but when you are pregnant, something strange happens with time, and you find yourself counting down the months, the weeks, the days. Will this episode of the Twilight Zone ever come to an end?? Well, eventually it does, and funny enough after you have your bundle of joy in your arms, you actually begin to miss the whole thing. Maybe not right away, but soon enough you reminisce and nostalgia kicks in about the whole experience, otherwise how would you explain our world population??
And after all is said and done, after all the unwelcome changes, frustrations, anxieties and all else, pregnancy is in itself such a miracle, that every woman must confess that the joys outweigh all the troubles we must endure, including labor pains, which I prefer not to talk about it now because I am trying to end on a positive note here. So, as I was saying, pregnancy is overall a blessing, something so far man cannot experience (I am sure they would not be lining up anyway, even if science somehow allowed them to do so), and it is an opportunity like no other to experience a bound with your child no one can fully describe. To know and feel that there is another human being living within you, who will come through you into the world, is a feeling worth more than any discomfort, any “inconvenience” you must endure.
Look at it this way; your old self will return, you will lose those extra pounds, pluck your chin, shave properly again, wear your favorite jeans and pair of shoes that were stacked away and in addition you will have your little one in your arms. Then other joys will come in, such as waking up all night, leaky boobs, smelly diapers, throw-up residue on your best dress, etc…So enjoy motherhood, starting with pregnancy because there is nothing in the world like it!
Thank God, I heard a dude say…
A few weeks after reading the positive result on a home-pregnancy test, I realized that my body was slowly becoming alien to me. First, I was in the bathroom for about half of the day puking my guts out and routinely every night after 7 p.m. I would embrace the toilet bowel with dear life in agony for hours at a time. I have no idea why they call it morning sickness. I suggest they call it all-day sickness. It just seems more fitting.
As a university student, my classes were constantly interrupted by little trips to the restroom where I would hope no one would come in and witness one of the many joys and sounds of pregnancy. My best friends became a package of saltine crackers and a bottle of sparkling water, the only things I could count on to subside the uneasiness in my stomach.
Besides the nausea that pursued me for the first three months, I noticed that my favorite pair of jeans would no longer zip up, what’s up with that?? I could barely eat, yet my pants were no longer fitting me? I resorted to a more appropriate attire, and that is how fashion slowly descends into a lower raking than comfort. You always assume, “when I am pregnant I am not going to be like those other women, I am keeping my dignity and my sense of style,” you tell yourself. Well, soon enough you find out that you are no longer in control of that either.
Do you ever wonder why companies cannot come up with fashionable, pregnancy clothing? As if you already don’t feel strange enough in this expanding body, they design clothes that make you look and feel like you are a blimp. I suppose unless you are willing to pay a lot of money for clothing you will only wear for very a few moths, you are going to have to resort to other outlets, such as just buying plus sizes…
During the first few months, I also experienced one of many “pregnancy scares” we are blessed with. As I hurried in to class one early morning, I sensed an intense pain on my left side; a sort of cramping as if someone was stabbing me with an extremely sharp knife. My head began coming up with all sorts of possibilities from pregnancy in one of your fallopian tubes, to miscarriage, to God knows what…I called my mom in a panic, what the heck is going on here? As I sat down massaging my stomach, suddenly I heard myself burp as I had never burped before. I swear I was so shocked at my own ability to emanate such sound, a sound that until then I had only heard come from my grandmother or a teenage boy. The relief was instant and as I got up I looked around making sure no one else heard this horrific pregnancy side-effect.
I thought I was on the clear from this form of fright, until around a month later I started spotting. It was similar to the initial spotting right before you get your period, and I began my theories in the head once again; spontaneous miscarriage, something is wrong with the fetus, all my God, I called the doctor. “Not to worry, unless you are bleeding heavily, you should not be concerned; it may be the left over of your last menstrual period, and it is perfectly normal. If it does not subside or it is accompanied by sharp pain, then you should come in and get checked out,” she said. At the moment, I felt like an infant after a minor, insignificant scratch, crying wolf only to receive the loving reassurance of his mother that everything will be okay. Had I not been pregnant before? What is the matter with me? Had I forgotten everything I once thought I knew? Obviously, yes.
Ok. Every mother-to-be is naturally concerned, frightened, and overzealous; perhaps because of some protective instinct that starts to kick in even before your child has arrived. Or, can it just be considered paranoia, an offence many mothers are also guilty of? Who knows for certain anymore?
As the months passed, another interesting and irritating question presented itself: when do you start to look pregnant rather than someone who ate too many donuts and pigged out on the ice cream? You know, that really awkward stage, when you don’t yet look pregnant, but you no longer have any resemblance of a waist. Those months are tough. You get the looks, you experience the embarrassed stares, you know what they are thinking…Wow she is really letting herself go, huh? We should all just be given out t-shirts that say “No, I am not getting fat, I am just pregnant!” that way we kill two birds with one stone. We find comfy clothing and we give everyone else a clue to stop starring.
Later, your beautiful pregnant belly starts to finally show itself, accompanied by strange blotches on your skin, excessive facial hair, increased gas, swollen feet, ankles and hands, darkened nipples, and a very interesting line right down the middle of your stomach. Wow, what a sight it is to see a pregnant woman grow, with all her magical glow and extra hair popping out everywhere! But it gets better. If you are “fortunate” enough to be pregnant during the summer months, more joys are coming your way. First, what is with all that body heat? It is probably a warm-up for menopause, leaving you even more exhausted than you already are and constantly looking for a breeze. Can someone turn that fan directly towards me, please?
Not to mention that as your belly protrudes forward, you eventually start finding it really challenging, if not an impossible mission to shave down there; you just can’t get a proper view. So, here you are desperate to find some relief from the heat in the pool or the beach and you look like a wild animal that has never encountered a razor. How nice. Let’s all hope you are fortunate enough to have your own private pool, just don’t have any pool parties unless you are willing to suffer being waxed by a professional. But when you are pregnant, do you really want to inflict more pain upon yourself? There are always so many compromises in life…
As you enter your third and final trimester, you are invigorated. Feeling less tired, less moody (at least now you can control yourself without biting someone’s head off), and you begin, hopefully, to experience nesting which empowers you to finally prepare for the arrival of your little one. Strangers on the street stop to touch you, amazed at your hugeness, “wow, you are about to pop,” I heard one say, making you feel you are part of some circus freak show: “Come and touch the belly of the huge woman wearing really unstylish clothing with hairs growing out of her chin!” Can anyone please tell me what would happen if some random stranger just started patting your belly (supposed you are not pregnant)?? Either the world would be a much friendlier place, or we all would learn Karate.
Pregnant women often comment on the incredible joy of feeling the baby kick. At first you cannot wait for it to happen and when it finally does, you become tear-eyed with joy and eventually the kicks that bring you such happiness, also bring you a whole lot more. First of all, you worry; what else is new? Is the baby kicking enough? I haven’t felt it yet today, is something wrong? Let me call the doctor; or I might eat something sweet, walk around the block…Ohhh, okay, it kicked. Wow that one was right on my rib. Can you stop now, I want to sleep. Okay, you win; I will move…It never ends this mental noise, does it??
And then there is the inevitable question: how long is this going to last?? Ordinarily, nine months seem to fly by, but when you are pregnant, something strange happens with time, and you find yourself counting down the months, the weeks, the days. Will this episode of the Twilight Zone ever come to an end?? Well, eventually it does, and funny enough after you have your bundle of joy in your arms, you actually begin to miss the whole thing. Maybe not right away, but soon enough you reminisce and nostalgia kicks in about the whole experience, otherwise how would you explain our world population??
And after all is said and done, after all the unwelcome changes, frustrations, anxieties and all else, pregnancy is in itself such a miracle, that every woman must confess that the joys outweigh all the troubles we must endure, including labor pains, which I prefer not to talk about it now because I am trying to end on a positive note here. So, as I was saying, pregnancy is overall a blessing, something so far man cannot experience (I am sure they would not be lining up anyway, even if science somehow allowed them to do so), and it is an opportunity like no other to experience a bound with your child no one can fully describe. To know and feel that there is another human being living within you, who will come through you into the world, is a feeling worth more than any discomfort, any “inconvenience” you must endure.
Look at it this way; your old self will return, you will lose those extra pounds, pluck your chin, shave properly again, wear your favorite jeans and pair of shoes that were stacked away and in addition you will have your little one in your arms. Then other joys will come in, such as waking up all night, leaky boobs, smelly diapers, throw-up residue on your best dress, etc…So enjoy motherhood, starting with pregnancy because there is nothing in the world like it!
Thank God, I heard a dude say…
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